A Guide to Good Table Manners

Restaurant Seating Etiquette
Traditionally, a man cedes the inside seat, whether a banquette or a chair, to his female companion. “The woman faces out, and the man faces in―he should want to look at the most beautiful thing in the room,” says Tracey Spillane, general manager and partner of Spago Beverly Hills. If you’re dining with someone of the same sex, the guest gets first dibs on the best seat (and view), says Peggy Post, coauthor of Emily Post’s Etiquette, 18th edition ($40, amazon.com). With friends, anything goes.


Napkin Etiquette
Place your napkin on your lap either when you take your seat or when your drink arrives. “If you wait for the food to arrive, the server will have no place to set your plate,” says Robert Burke, a waiter at Chez Panisse, in Berkeley, California. Feel free to tuck your napkin into your collar when eating spaghetti or another potentially messy meal. It’s not the most elegant look, true, but napkin tucking is acceptable if you’d otherwise worry about your clothes.

If you leave the table during the meal, loosely fold your napkin and place it on the table to the left of your fork. While some authorities recommend putting the napkin out of sight on the chair, Nathalie Dupree, a cookbook author and the host of the PBS series Nathalie Dupree’s Comfortable Entertaining, says, “Napkins are meant to get messy; there’s no need to hide them.” Besides, the napkin could soil the chair, which could then soil your clothing. At the end of the meal, set your napkin on the table.


Using the Right Utensils
The general rule: Start from the outside and work your way in toward the plate as the meal progresses. Usually the big fork is for the entrée; the big spoon, for the soup. Any utensils placed horizontally above your plate are meant for dessert. “With different textural elements on one plate―puddles, solids―one utensil won’t necessarily serve all well,” says Alan Richman, a contributing writer for GQ. “I tend to grab what is functional.” When in doubt, “the host and hostess should be your guides,” says Dupree. “Use whatever they are using.” At a restaurant, everyone at the table might be stumped. William Grimes, former restaurant critic for the New York Times, once encountered “a strange device that looked like a medical plunger mechanism.” (He later learned that it was meant for handling a single stalk of asparagus.) “If you can’t tell what something is for, then it isn’t much of a tool, and it’s fine not to use it,” he says.


Proper Placement of Used Utensils
Once a utensil has been sullied, it never goes back on the table, says Post. When you’re taking a break, rest your fork and knife entirely on the plate. When you’re finished, place them diagonally on the plate, side by side, with the handles at four o’clock. The knife blade should face the center of the plate, not point out toward another guest (an ancient sign of aggression, according to Spillane).


Navigating Table Turf
Memorize two simple rules: Your glasses are on the right; your bread plate is on the left. (If you forget, think BMW, for “bread, meal, water”―the left-to-right order of items when you’re seated at your place.) “If the poor person next to you took your bread, don’t make him feel ill at ease,” says Dupree. She recommends asking the unwitting thief, “I might be mistaken, but isn’t that mine?” Post advises claiming the bread plate on your right (as the original perpetrator did) and hoping that the whole table plays along. Cynthia Rowley, a fashion designer and the coauthor, with Ilene Rosenzweig, of Swell: A Girl’s Guide to the Good Life ($22, amazon.com), suggests playfully telling the person you’re happy to share your bread. Of course, at a restaurant, you can just ask the server to bring you another plate.


Fixing a Dining Faux Pas
If your fumble was subtle and did not harm another person, his clothing, or his possessions―something fell out of your mouth and back onto your plate, for instance―move on as if nothing has happened, says Post. If you spill a drink or break something in a restaurant, discreetly signal a server for help. The aim is to avoid distracting others from their meals or drawing attention to yourself. But if you spill something on a fellow diner, hand her a napkin, apologize profusely, and pay for the necessary dry cleaning, says Grimes. Also offer to pay for the cleaning if you’ve spilled red wine on your host’s tablecloth (that conversation should take place in private, after the meal). “If she refuses―and she should―it is nice to send a special gift,” Post says. Consider a new tablecloth or a bottle of wine, with a note of apology.


Eating With Your Hands
The more formal the meal and setting, the less inclined you should be to eat with the utensils you were born with. Post has a lengthy list of acceptable finger foods: bread, crisp bacon, pizza, hors d’oeuvres, corn on the cob, asparagus (provided it is cooked al dente and is not dripping with sauce), fried chicken (though perhaps not the breast), French fries (unless you are eating the rest of the meal with a knife and fork), and tacos (except for any filling that falls out, which you should retrieve with a fork). Of course, if your host is using a fork, you should do the same.


Tasting a Companion's Meal
There are several ways to share without reaching across the table and leaving a telltale line of sauce or crumbs across the white cloth. Colin Cowie, an event planner, slides a bite-size portion onto the side of the recipient’s dinner plate. Grimes passes samples on his bread plate. Richman sometimes asks the kitchen to split a dish so it arrives at the table on two plates.


Table Manners When There’s No Table
It may be tempting to think that picnics and clambakes are free-for-alls, but they’re not. You may not have to worry about putting your elbows on the table, “but some manners should never be discarded,” says Dupree: “politeness, graciousness, making others feel at ease, and ensuring that you don’t damage anyone’s body or clothes.” Decorum enhances any dining experience: It slows you down and makes you pay more attention to the food. “Even when you are by yourself, if you eat like a slob, you don’t appreciate the food as much,” says Richman. “You can’t stick your head in a trough and enjoy it.”


Table-Talk Guidelines
When in a restaurant, remember: Volume matters. “Occasional loud laughter is fine, as long as there is no hyena at the table,” says Mario Batali, chef-owner of Babbo and several other restaurants in New York City. “But a constant uproar is not appropriate.” If someone is seated too far away for you to speak at a normal volume, wait until after the meal to talk. Also try to avoid speaking over the person next to you in order to talk with someone else. At formal dinners, there used to come a time when the hostess “turned the table,” moving from speaking with the person on her left to the person on her right―a cue to her guests to do the same. While this formality is rarely observed, avoid monopolizing one person and pay equal attention to the two people sitting next to you. And try to bring into the conversation anyone who appears to have no one to talk to.

Via Real Simple

Everyday Etiquette for Public-Place Encounters

Are the rules for navigating a crowded sidewalk or hallway the same as the ones for the road?
Absolutely. "You walk on the right and pass on the left," says Charles Purdy, a columnist for SF Weekly, in San Francisco, and the author of Urban Etiquette: Marvelous Manners for the Modern Metropolis (Wildcat Canyon, $15, amazon.com). And keep in mind that people shouldn't walk more than two abreast, says Sheryl Shade, author of As a Lady Would Say: Responses to Life's Important (and Sometimes Awkward) Situations (Rutledge Hill Press, $15, amazon.com). But "there's nothing you can do when other people don't play by the rules," Purdy adds. "When that happens, you should avoid bumping into them or causing an accident―just like on the road."

On the sidewalk, feel free to shuck off the Victorian custom of a gentleman's walking closer to the curb to protect a lady from mud from passing carriages. "The person on the inside should be whoever is wearing the nicer trousers that day," Purdy says with a laugh.

On a cross-country flight, I'm seated next to a chatterbox who wants to swap life stories. How do I let her know that I don't?
Start with nonverbal cues, if possible. Carolyn Hanley, who flies about 60,000 miles each year as a technical trainer for a semiconductor-equipment company in Austin, Texas, has dealt with nosy seatmates on several continents. Her advice: Thumb through the pages of a book, open your laptop, or pull out your PDA. Or, if you've already started to engage the talker, "break off the conversation by calling the flight attendant over and asking a question like 'When do we actually land?' or 'Could I get a rum and Coke―quickly?'"

Nancy Huss, who spent 32 years as a flight attendant for TWA, notes two other important points of high-altitude etiquette. If you need to leave a window seat to stretch or use the facilities and your neighbor is asleep, "lightly tap her on the shoulder instead of attempting to crawl over her," says Huss. "No one wants to be rudely awakened by someone doing acrobatics on top of her, especially if there is turbulence." And don't bolt from your seat as soon as the plane arrives at the gate, says Huss. Exit one row at a time. Pretend you're leaving a church after a wedding.

How do I claim a parking spot when everyone's clamoring for the next open one? Is it OK to follow a person in a parking lot as she leaves the store and heads to her car?
First of all, never let a passenger jump out of your car to claim a spot for you by standing in it―if another car speeds into the open space, the parking spot will be the least of your worries. Use your blinker to show you've claimed a spot. By the same token, if you see another car with a flashing blinker, accept that the person has claimed the space, even if you are closer to it.

If you're a woman and you see someone heading from the store to her car, it is OK to follow the person. Why? That person is less likely to feel threatened by a female driver, says Curtis Sliwa, founder of the Guardian Angels, a volunteer community-safety patrol with chapters around the world. Just be sure to first roll down your window and ask, "Are you leaving the parking lot?" and then follow at a respectful distance.

Purdy notes that parallel parking has its own rules: Pull over in front of the space and put on your blinker, then back toward the curb. Of course, "there are some jerks who are going to ignore your signal and veer into that space," he says. When that happens, you have two options: "You can get upset and compromise your dignity and yell at them, or you can say, 'Some people are jerks, and I'm going to get on with my life and find another parking space.'"

At some cash registers (in fast-food restaurants, grocery stores, and drugstores), it's not clear whether customers should form separate lines at each register or stand in a single line. How do I resolve queue confusion?
Go with the flow―even if the flow feels like chaos, says Shade: "Just try to stay in the line, and sooner or later you'll get to the front." Don't bother trying to whip the rest of the crowd into shape. At the supermarket, if you have just one or two items, it's fine to ask the person with the $100 grocery cart to let you slip by. "People will almost never say no," says Randy Cohen, Ethicist columnist for The New York Times Magazine and the author of The Good, the Bad & the Difference: How to Tell the Right From Wrong in Everyday Situations (Broadway, $14, amazon.com).

What should I do when I'm pushing my cart down the aisle in a grocery store and someone has left her cart blocking my way?
It depends on what's in the cart. If it's just groceries, feel free to move it over so you can roll by. If the wandering shopper returns to catch you red-handed, "say, 'Excuse me―I had to get by,' with a smile," says Purdy. If the shopper has left her purse or baby in the cart, however, a hands-off policy should apply. Generally, "you can go around to another aisle―it won't add more than 30 seconds to your trip," Purdy says.

On a rainy day, when everyone is carrying an umbrella, how should I keep from bumping mine into other people? And what are the proper times to open and close my umbrella?
The tall ones need to take charge here. If two people are sharing an umbrella, the taller person should hold it. When two people carrying umbrellas are walking toward each other, the taller person should always raise his umbrella to allow the shorter person safe passage.

The rule for opening an umbrella is simple: Keep it shut until you are fully outside and clear of the door. Before entering a public building, Purdy says, "shake off your umbrella outside. If you get a little bit wet, that's what happens when it rains. A few raindrops on your head are preferable to creating a wet mess in someone's place of business."

The same goes for public transportation. When boarding a bus in the rain, always turn your back to the door, shut your umbrella, then make your entrance. "Otherwise I get sprayed, and the water on the floor makes things slippery," says Aretha Bull, a bus driver for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Transit Authority. Finally, never place your wet umbrella on an open seat or you'll put a damper on someone else's day.

I'm at a crowded airport and I see a pregnant woman or an elderly person looking for a seat near the gate. I don't have one to give her, but should I ask someone else to give up his seat?
Give it a minute. The person will probably speak up for herself. If she does ask and her request is declined (or if she's clearly uncomfortable but appears too meek to ask), then it's fine to step in, says Cohen.

"If you ask one person and he says no, chances are someone else is going to offer," Shade adds. There's no need to keep asking on down the line.

Is it OK to read over a person's shoulder?
The experts are split on this one. Bull flatly says that it's impolite: "People have to have their own space." Purdy agrees that leaning into someone's personal space is inappropriate but says, "If you're at very close quarters, how can you help it? If someone's newspaper is over your head and you're reading the back page, that's polite. Asking them to turn the page isn't."

There's a line of people behind me as I walk through a door. Should I hold the door for only the person behind me, for all of them, or for none of them?
Hold the door for the person directly behind you. For everyone else, you have to make a judgment call. If the door opens in and people are coming behind you, it's easy to make eye contact and hand the door off, Purdy says. If it opens out, you'll be removed from the flow of traffic by holding it, "but it probably won't take more than 15 seconds off your day," he says. If you're with a companion, there are all sorts of permutations as to who holds the door for whom, but it boils down to something fairly simple: "People in 'honor' positions should have less contact with doors," says Purdy. "If you're a gentleman on a date, hold the door for your lady. If you're showing a client to a conference room, hold the door for your client. And so on."

The rule for revolving doors is less intuitive, but it usually comes down to sex. Clarence Winfrey, a doorman at the venerable Peabody Hotel, in Memphis, says, "If the revolving door is moving, the woman goes first." But if it isn't moving, the man should try to "give the door a little push before letting the woman go through it first."

Is it OK to help handicapped people through doorways, or should I ask first?
Always ask first. "It's just the courteous thing to do: 'May I hold the door for you?'" says Cyndi Jones, director of the Center for an Accessible Society, an organization in San Diego that promotes understanding of disability. "But don't say, 'Here, let me help you' or 'Let me do that for you.'"

I'm standing in line at the movie theater and the person in front of me asks me to hold his place. A few minutes later, he comes back―with five friends. Should I challenge him?
While it's fine to hold a place in line for one or two people, this person has abused your courtesy. Whether to challenge such a transgression is a tougher question. Purdy suggests a gentle "Excuse me, but the line extends way back there." If that doesn't work, you have two dignified choices. You can accept that others won't always behave properly and understand that the joys of living with people are sometimes accompanied by annoyances, or you can alert the authorities and your bully will most likely lose the tough act.

Divorce Etiquette 101

Learn how to gracefully navigate the end of a close friend's or family member's marriage

A good friend just told you that she's getting a divorce and you don't know the right way to respond.

The best thing you can say in this situation is simply, “I’m here for you.” In a way, supporting a divorcing friend is not unlike supporting a grieving friend, because divorce—even if she wanted it, even if it’s relatively amicable—evokes similar feelings of loss. “She needs your support and friendship more than anything else,” says Swann. The easiest way to provide support is to take your cues from her: If she wants to just spend time with you without talking about her ex, do that. If she needs a few late-night sessions to vent and work through her grief, be there for her. If she just wants a little company, offer to take her along on your morning walks or to the gym; come by with coffee (or a bottle of wine!) if she can’t get a sitter. Don’t forget she may need practical help, too: Offer to drive her kids places or ask your husband to help out with chores like mowing the lawn or getting the oil changed in her car, suggests Swann.

Your sister is getting a divorce, but you think she's making a mistake.

In truth, you don’t know—and never will know—if her divorce is truly a mistake because none of us really understands what goes on behind closed doors. Even if you are aware that she had an affair, for example, you still don’t know what caused her to stray. Keep in mind, too, that just because the news comes as a shock to you, the same might not apply for her; she may have been thinking about it, and discussing it with her spouse, for years before the announcement. One thing that is certain: Berating her for making a mistake won’t help, says Swann. However, you might want to ask if she's tried couple's counseling, says Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, a former attorney who's now a licensed marriage and family therapist and the author of the forthcoming Codependency for Dummies. “Even if they don’t ultimately reconcile, counseling can help the couple work through their divorce.” The bottom line: “Steer clear of offering advice that’s not asked for. Stick to support,” says Lancer.

The couple you and your husband always go on double dates with is now divorcing and you two don't know whose side you should be on.

Presuming that the four of you are all friends, try your best not to choose sides or leave either of them out in the cold. “Divorcing spouses often find they lose friends and are excluded from events they normally attended, which is a shame,” says Swann. Remember, it’s not your job as a friend to take sides as much as it is to support and be there for her and him. If the female half of the couple is asking you to drop her ex from your friend list, tell her—as kindly as you can—that you’re there to be her friend, but you’re not actually angry with her ex, says Lancer. By the same token, be sensitive to both of their feelings by not telling either of them about the time you may have spent with the other person and ensure both of them that anything discussed when you are with them will always be confidential.

Your brother is getting a divorce but you've grown close to your former sister-in-law and want to remain friends with her.

There's no reason why you can’t stay pals with a friend's or family member's ex, but the social etiquette can get thorny. Whereas before, you'd hang out with your sister-in-law at family functions, now it's better to plan a girls' night out for just the two of you—away from your brother and other family members. Swann also notes that you'll likely have to alternate invitations while the divorce is still a sensitive subject, by having your brother and the kids over for a big family BBQ one weekend and then asking his ex to come over with the kids for a play date the following weekend, for example. If your brother is upset that you are still friendly his ex, be respectful of his feelings. “You can say, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way, but I still enjoy spending time with Jane. I hope you understand,’” suggests Swann. If he's adamant about you breaking it off, you may have to decide if the friendship is worth risking your relationship with your brother, adds Lancer.

Your best friend has become sensitive about the topic of money post-divorce; instead of discussing the subject, she avoids making plans with you.

You may find that your friend is in tighter financial straits immediately after her divorce, particularly if she was a stay-at-home mom during the marriage, or has had to move because she could no longer afford the mortgage. This sudden change in lifestyle may make her retreat a bit more from her social life. If she declines to go out, try to be sensitive to her situation and generous when you can, says Swann. Dream up different things to do together that don’t involve spending cash, such as nature walks, free concerts and dinners at home. If there are group outings that you know she would love to go to—like dinner with a group of your girlfriends—“offer to pick up the tab now and then,” says Swann. “You don’t want her to feel isolated right now.”

Family friends are getting a divorce and all the kids involved have a lot of questions about it.

If your families have always been close, you may find yourself in the position of being your friends’ kids’ confidant. “Their children may talk to you before they talk to their own parents,” notes Swann. Reassure them that their parents still love them, and that the divorce is absolutely, positively not their fault (often a child’s biggest fear or suspicion). But resist trying to answer specific questions about “what happened.” The truth is that you don’t know the details. Your own kids may also be full of questions, such as why their friends’ dad (or mom) isn’t living at their house anymore or whether you’re on the road to divorce, too. Answer their specific questions as they arise (“Yes, Jen and Joe's dad lives in a different place now, but he still loves them very much”) without trying to over explain. Saying something like, “Sometimes, families have problems that mean the mom and dad can’t live together anymore, but it has nothing to do with how much they want their kids to be happy and loved” goes a long way, says Lancer.

A divorce amongst your circle of friends is leading to a lot of ugly gossip about the separating couple.

Do your best to not go there. Whether your husband wants to share the "ex's side," your friend is prodding you for dirt on her ex or a mutual friend wants to dish about everyone involved, firmly opt out, says Lancer. It’s just never a good idea to indulge in negative divorce gossip, for everyone involved (particularly the couple’s children). Say to people other than your friend that you’d rather not be caught in the crossfire of any gossip for fear it’ll come back to you (He said that you said…). While it's natural that your friend will want to talk about her divorce, because you care about her and are concerned about her emotional wellbeing, avoid the urge to tell her the latest rumors about her ex or trash talk him. “Say to her, 'I don’t think talking to you about Frank is good for you, and it’s not good for our friendship, which I value,’ and change the subject," says Lancer. If you truly can’t resist telling someone or feel you need to relieve the pressure of knowing too much, share your news with a disinterested third party so no one gets hurt.

Your recently divorced friend is dating again—and you think it's a terrible idea.

Hold your tongue, at least at first, even if you think it’s too soon or that she’s making a mistake—because who’s to say if it is a mistake? Not you! Swann notes that sometimes newly divorced people like to feel desirable again and getting back into the dating pool is the easiest way to do this. She may just be testing the waters, flexing her dating muscles or looking to have a bit of fun. Even if you’re convinced she’s making a mistake (by dating someone who is totally inappropriate, for example), “She’s not going to listen to you, anyway,” says Lancer. Instead of (fruitlessly) trying to dissuade her from dating, be supportive and positive. “Emphasize how dating in this period of her life is, or should be, a way to learn more about herself and what she eventually wants from a new relationship,” says Lancer.

You have big relationship news but aren't sure if you should share it with a friend who's going through a divorce.

As long as you’re not rubbing your good news in her face—for example, calling her every day with updates on your wedding plans—a good friend will want to know what’s going on with you. Even if she can’t be a cheerleader for love and romance, she will at least be happy for you. Plus, she may feel isolated or left out if she discovers you’ve hidden something from her. With news like an engagement, approach the friend sensitively and don’t feel slighted if her reaction is muted. Be upfront, suggests Swann: “Say, ‘I know this may be hard for you, and I’d be so happy if you’d come to my bridal shower, but I understand if it isn’t something you feel up to right now.’” That gives her the option of congratulating you one-on-one without having to share in the public celebration.

Read more at:www.womansday.com

11 Table Manners That Still Matter

by Reader's Digest Magazine, on Wed Oct 19, 2011 6:36am PDT

If you think people don’t care about etiquette at the table as much as they used to, think again. One soup slurp or tooth pick is all it takes to turn some people off. So to stay on your toes, here is a quick—and necessary—table manners refresher course from Louise Fox of the Etiquette Ladies, Canada’s Etiquette Experts:

If you are the recipient of a toast, keep your glass at arm’s length—never drink from it. Instead, simply nod your head and graciously say, “Thank you.”

Never take your cocktail to the dinner table.

Allow your food to cool on its own—never blow on anything.

If you wear lipstick, keep it off your plate and napkin by blotting it as soon as you apply it.

Your napkin is there for you to dab your mouth only. Do not use it to wipe off lipstick or (God forbid) blow your nose.

Keep your elbows off the table at all times.

Don’t put your purse, keys, sunglasses, or eyeglasses on the table.

Take food out of your mouth the way it went in. If a piece of steak fat went into your mouth with a fork, spit it out onto the fork.

Remove an olive pit with your thumb and index finger.

Taste everything on your plate before you add salt or pepper.

Leave your plate where it is when you are finished with your meal—don’t push it away from you.
You’ll find even more good-behavior tips at http://us.lrd.yahoo.com/_ylt=AnDhZXy_p1TpdoiqPYL9bPakfqU5/SIG=12c3hoj32/EXP=1320721154/**http%3A//www.etiquetteladies.com/etiquette_ladies_home.php.